you only get a tenth of a phoenix's life

jen_is_random

Ryeowook steps into the kitchen when Saturday rolls around. He whips up a storm of banchan and bibimbap and dukbokki and kimchijiggae, and stares at leftover dumplings in the fridge for most of the afternoon before closing the door. He returns to the stove, only to find that he's used all of the ingredients he had laid out earlier. He goes back to the fridge, to stare some more at the dumplings. Finally, he straightens up, rolls up his sleeves, and starts to wash the pots and pans.

Eunhyuk wakes up in the middle of the night and proceeds to each half of everything that Ryeowook had made. The next morning, the members find him staring into space with five empty plastic containers in front of him, black circles under his eyes, pupils a little dead. Sungmin climbs into the chair next to him and quietly asks if he is okay, should he call Donghae up here. He shakes his head, no, and lies that he just wanted to eat a lot before they had to diet again.

After f(x) debuts, Donghae of the upper dorm wakes up to find Victoria in the kitchen one morning, flipping a fried egg over in a pan. They share an awkward silence, an awkward explanation about how Heechul had invited her over and she had fallen asleep to his ramblings, sorry for imposing. But then it happens again in a couple of days, except it's Shindong who finds her. Leeteuk tells Heechul that he should leave Victoria-sshi alone, they're busy now, they had a comeback coming up, so Heechul spends an entire day showing Zhoumi around Seoul that weekend. When the day ends, Zhoumi squeezes into Kyuhyun's room, softly asking in accented Korean (so familiar) is there something wrong with Heechul-hyung. Kyuhyun shrugs, acts nonchalant about the person, but Zhoumi sees through it.

Shindong takes to creeping down the kitchen ever night at approximately 2:53 AM. Each time, he swings the fridge door open, and looks at the food stuffed into the tiny thing. His stomach is growling, but he can't make his hands reach out and clasp his fingers around the plates and plastic boxes. Instead, he settles for sitting cross-legged on the floor, fridge door still wide open, and stares for twenty minutes. Then he gets up, closes the door, and crawls back into bed.

Really, Kibum can't say that he and Hangeng were ever the best of friends. They had different areas of interests; acting and dancing never really overlapped. But when he trudges through the doors of the dorms he never visits, he can't ignore that tug in his gut when there's one less voice announcing surprise at his visit. He ignores it, he's an actor. He doesn't return for a couple of weeks.

Yesung starts his nightly rounds again after two weeks. First, he sits by Ryeowook's bed, then Kangin's. He moves on to Kyuhyun and Sungmin's room, where he sits in front of Kyuhyun's laptop on his bed, then leans against Sungmin's pink spread. He folds his legs on the chair of Eunhyuk's vanity for some time, too, before moving to the upper dorms. He starts with Leeteuk, then Heechul, but not staying too long because his cats sort of freak him out. Shindong and Donghae come next, and he doesn't forget to turn off Donghae's iPod and Shindong's computer before leaving. He swings the last door open, ready to walk inside, foot already in midair, but then he remembers; there's no one sleeping here to watch.

Siwon's parents never forget to pray with their son before sleeping every evening, their son was always kind and warm-hearted, praying for the health of his friends and their parents. They exchange a look over his broad shoulders when they hear him murmuring things about hoping God will make sure that he gets his heart and soul back, but they don't manage to catch a name. They have no idea who or what Siwon is talking about, and slot times into their respective schedules for a family dinner.

January finds Sungmin in track pants sitting on the mats at the gym. After stretching out each muscle, Sungmin walks to the corner, takes a couple of strides, and lunges his right leg into the air in a roundhouse kick. He kicks a little too high, but tries again; he hasn't done this in a long time. After a while, he starts his butterfly kicks. He flutters once, but feels that it's not right; it's not how he did it. He tries again.

When the members are all out, Donghae likes to push the door open lightly and close it with a soft click before settling himself in the middle of the bed. He took everything with him, not that there was much to take, so the shelves and hangers are all empty. He breathes in; he's not here for the things. Donghae runs his eyes carefully along every crevice in the room, ever crack in the ceiling. For some reason, there is always a trace somewhere. When he leaves, everything looks the same as two months ago, and the door shuts softly.

Without all of his schedules and activities, days are spent with Kangin lounging around the practicing studios and dorms, never venturing out of the safety zone. Nights are spent with Kangin lying on his bed, facing the ceiling, arms crossed under his neck. He tries to understand: Why did he leave? What was it? What's going to happen? I'm so confused. After a couple of months, he concludes that it's a never-ending issue, and he would be happier of Kangin was focusing more on himself, he was always like that. The next day, he drives to the management building early in the morning, and tells the president about his idea of enlisting for the army.

Preparations for their fourth album finally start again, and Kyuhyun stays in the dance studio a little longer now, practicing a little harder, sweating a little more. The dance choreography this time is sharp, and he needs to work on making sure that his arms swing with just the right feel, that his breathing won't be messed up before his part, that he makes up for the void as much as he can. The shoes are big to fill, but he tries his hardest. He watches past videos, consults with their coach, and Hyoyeon congratulates him on improving so much in such a short amount of time, this is hard choreography to do while singing. When their comeback stage ends in a blink and a breath and he's in the waiting room monitoring the performance with the others, he realizes that no, he's not there yet, he's far from there; he's never going to arrive.

Hangeng is busy preparing his own album, but doesn't forget to tune in once in a while to his past group's activities. He isn't sure about Miinah's choreography, but learns to like it just like any other fan. When No Other comes out, he downloads their first live performance and shows his mother. He finds time to watch snippets of shows that they go on, radio broadcasts, but his Korean isn't as good as it used to be. On some weekends, his fingers are poised at the keyboard of his laptop; compose a message in his email opened up on Internet Explorer. He manages to get a whole page out, but his index hesitates on the send button. In the end, he closes the window; it's time for bed, long day tomorrow.

Life's too short, seize the brand new day. The sun shoots rays of yellow happiness through the window.